Dear Santa,

Here’s a list of things I’d like you to bring me for Xmas this year. You’ll notice that this list is a bit different than the last time I sent you a list, but that’s probably because I haven’t really written you a letter since I was still in single digits in age. I figured it couldn’t hurt to try for some of these things, even though despite me putting it on my lists for years, you never did bring me the doll that, when you fed it a bottle, would pee. I’m still scarred from that deprivation, in case it wasn’t obvious.

1. The ability to fly. Wings aren’t really necessary, especially since it would put a serious crimp in my wardrobe finding things with slits in the back, so I’ll settle for the ability to levitate and zoom around at will. Sort of like having jetpacks built into my toes, but without the flames because that would have negative consequences for my shoes.
2. Seasons 3 through 6 on DVD of Buffy the Vampire Slayer Yes, I know only seasons 1 and 2 are currently available, but heck, you’re Santa. Surely you can work a few miracles during Christmas.
3. Chocolate. Dark. Preferably Belgian. Anything involving nuts or caramel is just fine. Fruit, maple, or coconut fillings should never be allowed within ten feet of dark chocolate, however.
4. The metabolism of your average toddler. To counteract all that chocolate.
5. A self-cleaning house. Or else a method of training the cats to run the vacuum. Also self-scrubbing toilets.
6. On the same note as above, also a self-repairing house. See yesterday’s entry for latest reason why.
7. A cure for the trichotillomania. Because after 20+ years I’m getting a little tired of it.
8. A backyard. Although I’d simply settle for finalized plans, all written up with pretty pictures and explicit directions so even the gardening-challenged like myself could figure out what to do.
9. A dragon. Preferably small, perhaps the size of a large cat. Fire-breathing is optional, and only if it can be trained to only blow flames into appropriate areas. Must get along well with cats.
10. Someone to come in and organize all my pictures, not only labeling them but also sticking them, in order, into albums. Should I mention that this hasn’t been done since 1992?
11. This chess set. I swear if you give me this chess set we will not only find a place to display it, we will also actually play chess. If I can remember how to play. Something about knights. And pawns. And checking.
12. The ability to talk to animals. Mainly I want this so I can finally get the cats to understand that the pillow is mine, all mine, and they should quit bickering over who gets to steal it from me. Also it might help with that whole train-the-cats-to-vacuum thing.
13. World ambivalence. I’ve given up hoping for world peace. Right now I’d settle for everyone suddenly gaining enough maturity to recognize that just because someone has a different opinion they are not necessarily wrong.

Tis the season for Holidailies!