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I am working on an incredibly lovely farmer tan. Today I added a few stripes of red to the shorts and sleeve lines on my arms and legs by forgetting to slather on any sun block at all before we headed off on our bikes. Today we went to the arboretum on the university campus in Davis and found a nice shady patch of grass to collapse on so we could read our books. Luckily either the sun wasn't feeling particularly sinister today, or the wind was blowing all those pesky UV rays away before they could hit the skin (stupid mutter mutter wind), but I got a lot less color than I would have expected for toodling around out there several hours. Still, it was enough to really emphasize those charming tan/burn lines. But the coolest thing about this farmer tan - especially when combined with that bit of sunburn - became evident as I was preparing to climb into the bathtub, where we planned to try one of my newest acquisitions from Lush (no glitter in this one - smelled like bubble gum though). I caught sight of myself in the mirror and started giggling immediately. I won't describe the full effect. However, one should never underestimate the true sex-kitten potential of the chubby ass-pale 30-something woman with sunburned thighs and a farmer tan. It could be big. I'm just saying. So speaking of being nude, I think it's time I mentioned the nude liturgical dancing. See, a few weeks back, a certain "Christian" (and I use that term loosely, mind you) school in Sacramento kicked a little kindergartner out of school because they found out her mother was working as a stripper. This school apparently subscribes to that little-known bible verse that says Jesus loves the little children, except when their mothers are baring their all to the world. They also told the woman that she and her little girl were no longer welcome at their church either (thereby subscribing to that other lesser-known bible verse that says we all should love our neighbors only if they keep their clothes on). The publicity generated by this story has resulted in the school allowing the little girl to resume her classes so she can at least finish out the year (while the mom has promised to refrain from stripping those remaining three weeks). The mom, thankfully, has the brains to realize that this is the best thing to happen to her daughter, and plans to transfer the kid to another school (hopefully one where they actually believe in the radical concept of educating kids instead of preaching intolerance), but there's been a lot of outrage about this particular church from the rest of the community. My mom (who is, as I believe it is important to point out right about now, a hospital chaplain) and some of the nurses at one of the hospitals she serves got to talking about the whole situation, and they came up with the perfect response. Their idea is that a bunch of us should perform a very special liturgical dance at the church behind the whole "God only loves you if you obey our rules" philosophy. The plan is to write biblical verses across the most prominent body parts, and then to parade down the aisle some Sunday during their service, completely nude. Should anyone's delicate sensibilities be offended by doing the full monty, the nurses are willing to throw in a few bedpans for modesty's sake. If you close your eyes, you might be able to picture it (although maybe it might be safer to not try this): a whole crowd of middle-aged men and women doing some sort of semi-coordinated bump and grind down the aisle of the church during one of the regularly scheduled services, flabby flesh rippling with strategically placed bible verses. All volunteers are welcome; the more the merrier. I'm thinking that my farmer tan and I will fit right in.
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