Minus

It used to be, as I came up toward the end of the year, I would go back and read all the entries I had written for the previous twelve months. And it used to be that as the year came to a close, I would also go back and re-read all the entries I’d written since I started this site nearly ten years ago. Of course, it was a lot easier to do that when there were only a few hundred entries to go through, instead of nearly 1500. So in the past few years, I’ve gotten out of the habit of rifling through the archives for those trips down memory lane. And it’s kind of ironic that I don’t do it anymore, since one of the main reasons for me starting this thing in the first place is that I have such a hard time remembering when things happened.

The prompt for today from Holidailies, though, was Five Years Ago, so on a whim, I decided to dig back through my archives to see what was going on, back in the December of 2004, in what seem such a long lifetime ago. Most of the entries are the usual sort of day-to-day life things – stories about friends and social gatherings and work. But the very first entry, December 1 of 2004, was this one, where I talk about missing Rebecca, the first of our cats who died.

And it hit me, suddenly, why it is that I have had such a hard time finding a way to write about having to put Sebastian to sleep back in August. Over the years, I’ve dealt with the death of five of my cats. The first was difficult because he had been a very troubled kitty and even though logically I know that I did far more than anyone else might have to help him, I will still always feel as if somehow I failed. The second was Rebecca – the very first cat that I ever had, all on my own, so she will always hold a special place in my heart. When she died, it was completely unexpected and the shock took some getting used to. The third was Allegra, and even though this time we were better prepared for it, because we were the ones who had to make the decision to help her pass, it was still so very hard. I love all our cats, of course, and I always will, but Allegra was my favorite and I suspect that I will always miss her. And as Allegra was for me, so was the fifth one – Tangerine, our latest loss – for Richard. Yes, she might have been my kitty at the start, but once Richard came into her life, she became completely his. And so, much like I will always miss Allegra, there is likely to always be a Tangerine-shaped hole in Richard’s heart.

So I think the reason I have had such a hard time writing about Sebastian is because losing him wasn’t the same. He was a wonderful kitty, even if he had his flaws (like the occasional need to holler at the top of his overdeveloped lungs at nothing at all, for no reason we could ever discern), and he was extremely affectionate, and he was with me for almost 19 years. On the last day of his life, when I made the appointment with the vet and knew even before we brought him in exactly what the vet would say, I cried. But once it was over, it was as if everything shifted. I was okay. He was an awesome, wonderful cat, and I was lucky to have had him for as long as I did, but there is no guilt this time, no surprise to the death, no regret for the way it had to be.

It is so hard, this issue of death and pets. The household suddenly minus something that was there before. You think you know the right way to react, except there is no right way. You think you are prepared, but you are not. You think you will grieve, but you cannot. You don’t think about it when you look at the little kitten, so cute and adorable in their cage, at the very beginning of their life. You do not think about the fact that eventually you will have to make a decision you do not want to make; eventually you will have lose them; eventually you will get used to minus one.

‘Tis the season for Holidailies

2 thoughts on “Minus”

  1. If I could, I would favorite this entry and read it every so often. You said what I’ve felt at the death of each pet over the last several years. Thank you.

  2. This is exactly what we went through this year, losing not only our 20-year-old gentleman, but also his younger sister about four months apart. Losing Shadow nearly killed us both, but we saw it coming due to his age and health issues. Losing ChaDich (she was our second cat–Star Trek fans) wasn’t easy, but we had to make the best decision for her. She was down to 4.5 pounds, throwing up everything we tried to feed her, and we could tell she was ready to go find her brother.

    I once read a book that described loving someone as creating a hostage to fortune. We may not know the price we’ll have to pay the first time, but I’ll still take the pain for all the years of love.

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