To be childfree by choice is to feel with utmost certainty that you never wish to be a parent, biological or otherwise, to any human being. To be childfree by choice is to know this with every fiber of your being, in times when you are safe and healthy and whole even more than in times when you are scared and uncertain and your world seems as if it can never be right around you again. To make this decision is to understand fully the consequences of what you will not be. You will not be a mother or a father. You will not have babies or toddlers or teenagers or any of the stories and trials and fears and joys that come along with them. You may have nieces and nephews and your friends may have children that call you aunt or uncle and you may love all these children as deeply as you are able, but they are not yours. No matter how deep a bond you forge with these young lives you still always remain in their periphery. And what everyone else cannot seem to understand is that you are okay with this. You accept this. This is the way you want it to be.
To decide to live childfree means that you will, for the rest of your life, probably always feel as if you may not ever quite belong with the rest of the people around you. To live without children means that you get lost in conversations everyone else seems to understand naturally, and that your conversational topics may often leave those around you confused as well. To decide to live childfree means that you may have to leave people you care about because you cannot be what they want you to be.
To decide to live childfree means accepting a life of living in a world that is unwilling to recognize that you, as a demographic, exist.
To decide to live childfree means that you have resigned yourself to an entire lifetime of people questioning you; of strangers assuming that you cannot possibly know your own mind; of pressure from well-meaning friends and family; sometimes even of hostility. You will be accused of being selfish. You will be told in condescending terms “of course you will change your mind”. You will be asked who will take care of you when you are old, as if the sole reason for having children is to provide a ready-made nursemaid for the elderly and infirm. If you are single they will assume that marriage will change your mind. If you are married you will be told over and over of what a wonderful father or mother your spouse would make, accompanied with sly glances and narrowed eyes suggesting that somehow you are failing them for being unwilling to procreate.
And yet you make this decision, because you know deep in your heart and soul that this is the right one for you. You make it not because of some emotional reaction to an act of violence or to the build-up of national fear and anxiety perpetrated by the media. You make it not because of financial reasons. You make it because this is you; because you cannot be someone you are not and you cannot want something that is not in you, no matter how desperately and persistently anyone else insists that you should. And above all, this is a choice. Your choice. Your decision. Your right to not want, need, desire, crave, have what everyone insists you should have.
Your choice. No one else’s.
Yours.
This has been an entry for Alphabytes.
Well said!!
My good friends who are married, as well as one of my brothers and his wife plan never to have children, and it’s amazing all the weird stuff people say to them, the attitudes they have to face.
The funny thing is, while childfree by choice people have spent a lot of time understanding why they’re making the choices they make, I don’t think enough people consider WHY they WANT to have children. Lots of people with kids really don’t even make good parents.
I wish everyone would put thought into why they do or don’t want children and that everyone would respect each other’s choices.
This is a most excellent post!!! It is very well said!
That was really well said – thank you. I really hate the ‘it’s selfish’ argument in particular; I think it’s more selfish to have children when you know that you do not want to be a parent. No one wants to accept that, though.
Yes. Exactly.
Over the weekend, I had the chance to hold the 2-month-old daughter of my husband’s nephew. He and his girlfriend are under 20 and still living with his mother. General consensus in the family is that neither of them are fit parents, although we’re still hoping that they’ll grow up fast enough for the baby’s sake.
I handed her back to her grandma after changing her diaper. For a moment, I felt that little pang that said, “She could be yours.” It’s the same pang I felt with all four of my sister’s kids. But it passed, like it always does. I made this choice when I was 20 before my body reinforced the decision a few years later, and I still don’t regret it.
At least my mom understands; now that she has four grandkids, she actually thanks me for having cats instead. My mother-in-law gave us the “disappointed in you for not carrying on the family name” speech. That may have had more impact if the “family name” meant something.
If I hit 40 and decide I just can’t live without a child, we’ll adopt. Just like my mom did when she couldn’t have children of her own.
You have made the right decision for you and evidently Richard agrees. I was always anxious to be a mother, that was my chosen career (even got laughed at in Sunday School at age 9 when asked what I wanted to be when I grew up said a mother) People who make the choice not to have children leave space on the earth for those who want them to do so. More power to all who think this over carefully and discern what is right for them, whether they decide to parent or not to parent JOY
I’m very impressed with your thoughts ~ I couldn’ve have said it better myself. By the age of 12, I always knew that I never wanted to have a child, it was “just NOT who I was”….no regrets here and as for my family; my younger brother has no children, but my oldest has four LOL…I guess he made up for the both of us ~
I don’t know why this happens to some ~ but I don’t try to soul search about it. I feel that it’s just as natural for those of us that are childless; as it is for those that do want children.
Personally, I think the world is too cruel a place anymore. Why would I want anyone to suffer?? It just doens’t make sense to me. There’s too many homeless as it is; not to mention cats, dogs etc….I’d rather have a cat :D
Sweet Child, Being your mother was/is wonderful, and I would not give up the honor of the role or you who made it possible for anything. I love being in ministry to the sick and dying as well. Both are callings, and I rejoice that we live in a time when each women can chose to answer her own “call.” I also rejoice that my daughter is wise and strong and so UNselfish she will not follow what others think is best for her, but what she knows to be right in her own heart. Know your Dad and I are proud of you, for this and so very many more reasons! Mom